How to Find the Friend You’ve Always Wanted

Finding a real, true friend is not something that happens every day. Most of the friends people have are not deep, mature friendships. They are something that would fold at the first sign of trouble.

What if you don’t have any true friendships. How can you tell?

What a good friend is…

• A good friend is someone who forgives you and quickly forgets your wrongdoing.
• Someone who doesn’t worry about always being “right” or being the expert on all things.
• A good friend is kind and not rude.
• Not manipulative or toxic.
• A good friend is patient and endures with a friend through trial.
• Not someone who is only there when it is convenient for them and takes off when it isn’t.
• They are not afraid of commitment.
• They are not afraid to be honest and come alongside you when there is an issue that needs to be addressed.
• A good friend is not someone who encourages you to always think about yourself first above everyone else, especially your spouse.
• They help you walk through the trenches and want what is best for your family as a whole because they love you and want what’s best for you.
• As they come alongside you, when they see a wrong behavior, they gently bring it up with kind speech, careful to respect you, full of grace, but willing to hold you accountable.
• A good friend encourages you in your gifts, without trying to puff up your pride, but through a genuine want to build you up to do your best.
• They are not burdened by a late night call.
• They will not stab you in the back or tell anyone your personal information. Not even their own spouse.
• They do not gossip about others. (If they gossip about others, who’s to say they don’t gossip about you? This is a sign someone is not trustworthy with information.)
• They are not proud or arrogant.
• They always tell the truth.

*By saying all of this, I am not saying someone has to be perfect (or that you could ever find a person who is perfect), but a good friend is someone who strives to have these character qualities and is not characterized by bad qualities (like being known to not be able to keep a secret or someone who always bashes your spouse behind their back and pits you against each other but is nice to their face).

Good friends are usually the ones you just “click” with and can’t stop talking to. You miss them as soon as you walk away from each other or hang up the phone. Your time together is nothing but constant talking. But that is not necessarily always what makes a good friend. A good friend exhibits specific character qualities as well as clicks with you. They take the time to know you and care for you on a deeper level and invest in your friendship over time. Something that matures beautifully. Friendships like this take time and effort to cultivate.

We are all prone to think of ourselves first. Wanting to jump ship at the first bit of insecurity. We might feel like running away or finding a new friend when we have made ourselves too vulnerable to someone. This is why we should carefully consider what we say before we say it, and invest in the friendship and make sure this person has exhibited the right qualities before opening up too deeply.

But are we the friend we want to have, to others? In my experience, with any kind of relationship, it’s always important to start with an honest evaluation of ourselves. When we change, we will not only change and inspire people around us, but (in the case of friendship) seek the types of friendships we are longing for.

I used to have TONS of friends and was very popular, but I can’t tell you I had any true friends (except one person from high school). It wasn’t until I became a christian, started going to a spirit filled church and started letting my walls down and started investing in friendships that I actually started to get REAL friends. Like I had never had in my life before, actually. I had always thought church was full of hypocrites, but once I met real christians who had a genuine love and care for me and I grew in the Lord and longed to be a good friend to them as well, things changed.

I realized that Jesus died on the cross for me, even when I was a sinner. He sought me out, even when I wasn’t looking for Him. I didn’t deserve this, it was grace. Before Jesus, I was living a life in direct opposition to the gospel. Once I saw that I wanted to give the grace to other people that Jesus gave to me and that I wanted to love people like Jesus did. That we are all made in God’s image and are worthy of respect because of that. I realized I wanted to be a friend to those people who other people would shy away from. Even when people let me down, I want to give them that grace.

Making real friends starts inside of you.

I want to have a friend who will overlook my shortcomings. I don’t want to have to bring something to the table to have worth as a friend. This is the opposite of what the world today will tell you. They tell you that in order to be popular, you have to speak perfectly, be flawless and cool.… this is chasing the wind. The world will also tell you that as a woman, your worth is in your looks.

The point is, you must work on yourself first. Evaluate yourself honestly. Seek to be the friend you want to have. Don’t require that someone else has to bring something to the table in order to be your friend, because you don’t want someone to expect that of you. The more you have a change of heart, the more you will seek and attract others with the same qualities.

I will be doing another post on this that goes even further into deepening relationships and how to build and invest in a friendship to make it rock solid.